ladder of success

Climbing the ladder of success

Hurrying along fast and furiously

Though I have no idea where

It shall lead and in the end take me

Nevertheless I hurry along feverishly

No time for a meaningful conversation

My nose is now set to the grindstone

Forget being weary. No time to groan.

I work late night hours before going home

My family it seems I no longer even know

Yet my professional career is most dear

I don't get much time off during the year

To go on vacation or elicit new inspiration

I'm ready to bleed as a workaholic indeed

I'm important and meet my company's need

Never do I hesitate to work or do a good deed

My incessant restlessness my employment

Does silence, sedate, distract, and feed

Because after all, the American way is greed

We've got to go out, buy, sell, and acquire

Of consumerism, the people must never tire

For we are consumed by our fiery desires

Contentment we can't possess, neither know

We are forever enslaved to the vain show

Comparing and competing with each other

Disregard considering ourselves equal

As if we were loving sisters and brothers

The exterior and outward has taken over

What we wear, drive, and where we live

Charitable contributions we don't give

It's me, myself, and I who I forever love

No time for spirituality, nor God above

Onward I march, press, push, and shove

Paying my bills, life has lost its thrill

I've forget as I boy what I dreamed of

Continually climbing up the ladder of success

Deceivingly, I look like I'm all put together

Yet I assuredly know I am one big mess

Look beyond that which I say and profess

Dumbfounded and leaning on the wrong building

I've climbed this ladder of reckless success

Only to discover it is an illusion without basis.

-Paul Davis

Tired

I think the MSG in the food has been making me extremely tired lately.

Suddenly I can't keep my eyes open anymore and its only 11pm!

Hate to say it, but Bible Study was a bit of a disappointment today because we ended up not studying the Bible or praying yet again. And I was so looking forward to it too.

I like the people in the group and its fun and comfortable--but I don't think it does too much for me spiritually. Sometimes I wonder whether I should be looking for something more...Should I be expecting more?

On a completely unrelated note, I got a guitar for Christmas and have been so excited about the song I'm learning off Youtube. Its Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton--just about the saddest song ever. I'm excited to learn some praise Choruses soon.

Feeling stressed lately about these grad school essays. So much to do and so little time. I can't wait till Jan 5th when they're done! But I have to remind myself that its in God's hands...I just want so much to do His will and not mine.

Christmas 2009

Woke up to warm, bright sunshine today. First thought: definitely not a white Christmas. But nevertheless magical in its own way.

(I always tend to associate such brightness with new years, especially lunar new year. Don't ask why.)

Anyway, it was nice to wake up feeling like I could just "chill" today and not worry about all that I have to do post-Christmas. I enjoyed praying in bed this morning amidst the all too familiar clinks and clangs of pots and pans as my mom prepared for our guests this evening. I think the full half-hour of church bells ringing from the Catholic Church directly across from my windows eventually inspired me to get out of bed.

Really, most of today was spent cleaning and prepping. But that was actually a blessing because cleaning your home can feel like you're cleaning your life sometimes. The house is immaculate now and I hope we were a blessing to our guests.

I got some great gifts this year: a darkened room, a clean and warm home, the company of my two sisters, a handy soon-to-be brother in law, a delicious meal, and enough love that I can be appreciative and thankful for.

unfulfilled expectations?

I'll be careful not to harbor such high ones next year.

I love the holiday season...the break from school, the opportunity to go home and see family and friends, the feelings of joy and gratitude..etc. But the closest thing I've come to a Macaulay Culkin kind of Christmas was actually during my year in Mexico when we had huge, ginormous family gatherings, tons of gifts and surprises, holiday decor, chilly weather, and a season filled with excitement and reflective gratitude. It was a special year in countless ways, and most definitely a special Christmas.

This Christmas has come and gone in a flash--the speediest and perhaps most disappointing flash I've experienced in may years. Why is that?

When I was growing up, we didn't really celebrate Christmas. Nevertheless, some years we would manage to put up a fake tree and always had at least one or two gifts from family friends or the building management. Those were exciting times because our traditional Chinese parents NEVER EVER thought to buy superfluous toys--and it was beyond impractical to wrap them. So you can imagine just how special Christmas was when uncovered that Barbie doll or spinning fairy.

As I grew up, become a Christian, and got increasingly socialized into American culture, I think I've developed quite sophisticated expectations of what Christmas should be. Not only that, but as a Christian, Christmas actually has significant meaning for me now. I used to be pretty involved in the Church during this season--wrapping gifts, decorating, caroling, kettling, and singing in the infamous Christmas musicals! But not so much this year. One, I'm old. Two, I'm not really plugged-in anywhere yet.

So this year, I don't have a climatic "winter recess" to look forward to. No break from work or life. In fact, I have a timeline for writing a bunch of grad school essays this week. I've spent the past 3 Christmases either with friends on the east coast or abroad--so in one way or another they've been pretty unique. I remember Christmas day in Sichuan...(going to a gorgeous church, dim sum, markets, feast and fellowship at our hostel.) I remember a white Christmas with Emily in Carlisle...(mashed potatoes, igloos, settlers, cookies,and Pictionary!) I remember an unusually warm and snow-less Christmas in NYC for the first time with Ana...(late night chats, scented candles, Brooklyn streets, and of course, lots of Barbadian love.)

So many great Christmases, though none too conventional. I was super excited to finally be home for Christmas this year, but it has been somewhat distracted to say the least. Distracted by the city, by work, by grad school, by family, by my preoccupations with the present and future. I might have forgotten to stop 'figuring out life' and take time to embrace Christmas this year. I guess doing something special for Christmas has always made it special, but this Christmas has been pretty anti-climatic, especially since I haven't taken a sabbath from daily work and worries.

That's what really makes Christmas so special...the intentionality of it all. It is the act of carving out special blocks of time for family and reflection; the decision to stop and smell the flowers--and thank God for them! So I guess there was nothing to make me stop and take a breather this year, though I wish there were and I wish I had.

I wish I had dug deeper into God, that I had basked in his presence a little longer, spread his love a little further. But who says Christmas ends after December 25th? I think I am going to grow and extend the holiday spirit a little longer, especially now that the crazy crowds in downtown SF begin retreating. Hopefully it will be Christmas all life long..as I need at least that to prepare for and celebrate Jesus.

thankful

Highlight of the day: a phone conversation with Ana.

I am so thankful for friends who keep me grounded; friends whom I can cry with, whom I can share anything and everything with.

Thank you Father for a warm home this holiday season, for friends both new and old, for laughter and joy, and the ability to appreciate your gift of life.
Thank you for hope and a heart of compassion. Help me to love as you love.

Prepare the way

http://tragicpizza.blogspot.com/2009/12/prepare-way.html

So much for trying to post daily...

Well, here's attempt #2.

12/5/09 Saturday:

1.) Salsa dancing--love it. Spanish music is so much fun to listen and dance to. Also reminiscent of the good ol' days in Mexico and Panama.

2.) Dinner at "Annie's Bistro"--Mushroom soup (though we had ordered Butternut Squash but they ran out!), roasted beet salad with Feta cheese and other scrumptious delights, and Ravioli with creamy pesto and cheese.

3.) Catch Phrase and Apples to Apples with a small group of amazing people. Much laughter, learning, and sharing. I loved connecting with my two teammates from Catch Phrase..as well as learning (or being frustrated by) all those random, esoteric, or archaic sayings.


The plan for today:

1.) Practice practice practice! I was invited to perform at an advisory board Christmas party on Tuesday. Still undecided as to exactly what I want to play. hmph. And this full-time job has done much harm to my usual practice schedule.

2.) Grad school apps! (Stanford STEP program!) Only 1 month left to apply. It's a love-hate relationship.

3.) Read? Just bought a book from the Salvation Army thrift store a week ago and its still in the bag--though I am uber excited about it! It's "The Book of Virtues, A Treasury of Great Moral Stories" edited, with commentary, by William J. Bennett who happens to be A WILLIAMS COLLEGE ALUM! He majored in philosophy (probably in the 60's) and has accomplished many incredible things since.

I also have a stack of books from the library that I need to tackle.

Weather: Chilly! It's beginning to feel like Christmas.

A Christmas Carol

I think I'm going to attempt to post something everyday, even if its just a sentence.


Today, I bumped into my high school buddy Bob while walking home from work and we decided to go watch "a sparkling, music-infused A Christmas Carol." Not the Jim Carey movie, but a live production at the A.C.T. Theater.

The show was abundantly rich. And the inspiration, laughter, and company was exactly what I needed tonight.

Thank you God for such spontaneously perfect blessings.

Communitarian

Individualism and the Communal Christ

When God made the cosmos and everything in it, we see the oft repeated phrase in Genesis 1 and 2, "it was good." It shows up seven times, and the final time the phrase shows up was when God surveyed all he made. Then, he saw that it was "very good." So in this pristine creation of abundant goodness it strikes one as strange that God declares something in the cosmos as "not good." What was "not good" wasn't the fact that evil was a possibility (as implied in the existence of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil), nor that God's enemy was allowed to slither around and mess with things. The one thing in all of creation that was "not good" according to the voice of God himself, was the aloneness of man - Individualism.

While it is true that each human person is unique, and that there is affection between Creator and each particular individual, our view of the importance of self – the inflation of the individual and the diminishing of the community - has certainly impoverished the theology of the western church.

Our language betrays the fact that we are among the most individualistic and possessive people on the planet. Westerners (and mainly Americans in my experience) say things like "my doctor," or "my pastor," or "my hairdresser," which, when you think about it, is a little weird; as if these people are owned, and live exclusively to serve me.

It is easier for those of us in the west to live alone than most anywhere else on earth. Extended family and community are woven into to fabric of most cultures in the world and only in bizarre circumstances would a person choose to live, or even be allowed to live, by themselves.

Among the poor it is unsustainable to live alone. Most of the poor live in close (some would say crowded) community. Even street kids live in community. As a matter of fact, one hundred and fifty years ago in America most of us were farmers and we, too, had a more developed sense of community. But In the modernized, privatized, Americanized version of Christian faith, we view decision-making, relationship, and journey with Christ through an almost exclusively individualistic lens.

The idea of Christ as "personal Lord and savior," is relatively new to Christianity; and as I travel about the world I find the phrase predominantly used in the west. The ancient Jewish people, as all ancient peoples, thought of themselves collectively, and their relationship to Yahweh was more communal than it was individual. Within the early church we see whole households (which likely included related as well as unrelated people) converting to Christianity together (Acts 11:14, 16:15, 31, 18:8, I Cor. 1:16). Paul also addressed entire households in his letters, not to mention writing to communities of believers meeting in a city or region. Most cases of the word "you" in the New Testament are plural (again the English language betrays the fact that we only have one word for "you,” mostly used in the singular, unless y’all are southern). And the descriptions in the Bible of the future glory of Christ with his Bride treat the church as a collective entity.

Each individual person needs to answer the question which Jesus put to his disciples, "Who do you say I am?" We must each stand as individuals before our Maker to some degree or other. And it is appropriate to get alone with God in our prayer closets. Even Jesus went off by himself to commune with his Father. But most of us in the west, myself included, have so constructed a privatized, individualized faith, that we have lost something of the communal nature of the Godhead. My conception of heaven, my understanding of salvation, and the idea of sanctification are almost exclusively centered on me as an individual. The Christ who taught us to pray “OUR Father” has a communal understanding of heaven so far as I can see from some of the Kingdom of God parables (which often dealt with a king and his people or a landlord and his stewards). And from the description of the collective Bride comprised a great throng of people from every language and ethnic group. The call to repentance in the New Testament was almost always addressed to communities or collections of people (like Pharisees, soldiers, tax collectors, scribes, the nation of Israel or the city of Jerusalem, in addition to other entire cities). And the idea of spiritual growth, holiness, righteousness and justice are almost always expressed in communal terms.

There’s a whole lot of “one another” terminology in the Epistles and Gospels and the concept of career or even education was rarely something as individualized as it is for modern westerners. TheThe idea of a singular person deciding on their own to become a singular missionary and going on their own to spread the gospel is relatively rare in the New Testament (Philip being wisked off is the exception. There were not "missionaries" by and large, there were wandering mission communities).

We are communal people, created by a communal Godhead – God-Christ-Holy Spirit. Even our western nuclear family construct (comprised of only parents and children – or in some cases parent and child) is a frightfully smaller circle than we find in the lifestyles described in Scripture. Our understanding of the Christian faith, of God, and of ourselves is drastically shaped by an individualistic worldview driven by the concept of ME and MY.

Only by submitting ourselves to the community of Father, Son and Spirit and intentionally fostering interdependent relationships; living, eating, and serving in larger groups than most of us in the west are used to, can we come to more fully understand the God who exists in community and calls whole communities of people into fellowship with the Three in One.

------------
Recognizing what a communal person I've become and missing that here in SF! So here's another reason why I feel called to live in a developing nation, at least for some time if not forever.

Also, I think Ramadan is one of the most beautiful communal celebrations ever. Perhaps I'll be ministering and celebrating in a Muslim country one day...
And did I mention dates are one of my favorite foods ever? The date palm has an amazing story behind it too. Ramadan is date galore.



I absolutely adore wet markets!!

Poverty III

III. Poverty: Not in the Congregation
Posted At : October 10, 2009 11:30 AM

This is part 3 of a four-part series. Part II was in my previous note.

When God made the heavens and the earth, he did not create slums. His creation was made to be in a state of flourishing, benevolently governed by humans made in his image. Later, God set his affections on a slave race in order to demonstrate to the world his intentions for human shalom-prosperity-flourishing, and set up an economic and social system so that "there should be no poor" among them (Deut. 15:4); they would lend to many nations but would never need to borrow (Deut 28:12). Land would be redistributed on a regular schedule (Lev. 25) and debts were forgiven on a seven-year cycle (Deut. 15) in order to insure no one would be driven so deep into poverty that they could never get out.

In the early days of the church we glimpse once more God's offense at poverty and his intention to establish a poverty-free kingdom.

When Paul and Barnabas went before the Apostles to be certain that their kingdom-building efforts among the Gentiles were not in vain, "They asked only one thing, that we remember the poor, which is actually what I was eager to do." (Gal. 2:10). Of all the theological issues the Apostles might have emphasized to Paul and Barnabas in the early days of establishing the church, their only concern was that Paul knew the importance of remembering (or caring for) the poor.

The church, like the nation that God established among the former Hebrew slaves, was to be a place where poverty was non-existent, or at least a rare exception. The early followers of Jesus entered into a community without private ownership or personal hoarding. As a result, they lived a reality that did not include poverty:

Now the whole group of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one claimed private ownership of any possessions, but everything they owned was held in common. With great power the apostles gave their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace was upon them all. There was not a needy person among them, for as many as owned lands or houses sold them and brought the proceeds of what was sold. They laid it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to each as any had need. Acts 4:32-35 (Also see Acts 2:44).

In order to eradicate poverty from among them, the followers of Jesus not only denounced private ownership and embraced the idea of communal wealth, but they undertook social programs, such as daily distribution of food to widows. Such systems required time, effort, intention, and a layer of management which they dubbed "servants," (diakonos in Greek) or Deacons. These were the systems and structures adopted to insure that “there was not a needy person among them,” (Acts 4:34) or in the words of the Old Testament Law, “there should be no poor among you.” (Deut. 15:4)

The church was an organism which was to express Christ's kingdom on earth. As such, poverty would not be tolerated. John the Baptist, Jesus, Peter, Paul and James all addressed issues of poverty and wealth in their teachings which indicated God's intent that his image-bearers might live lives of material sufficiency and radical generosity.

But what of Jesus' statement that, "you always have the poor with you," (Matt 26:11, Mk 14:7, Jn 12:8)? The point of Jesus’ comment was that showing kindness to the poor is something the disciples would have ample opportunity to do, but that anointing Jesus' body for burial was not. The concern about using the anointing money to help the poor was a deception anyway. It was something Judas Iscariot raised because his intent was to take the money for himself (Jn 12:6). His concern was not for the poor. Jesus' statement is not resignation to poverty. His words do not encourage us to accept poverty any more than if he had said "there will always be brothels," would encourage us to accept sexual exploitation. Sin may not be completely eliminated before his return, but this is not license for us to allow evil to flourish.

In God's abundant creation, in the national laws that he established for his people, and in the teachings of Christ and the operation of the early church it is clear - Poverty is anathema for those who know, love and follow the God of the Universe and its existence is an offense to be addressed by his people.

-From Urbana.com
---------

So God has made it exceedingly clear to me that he wants me to do something about the poor of this world. I've seen way too much in my short life to just stand idly on the sidelines. I'm not sure about much in my future, but this passion seems to follow me wherever I go. I can't evade it.

Being back in SF, a city filled with fancy houses and cars makes it tempting to go and fulfill my fleshly desires. But I know that ultimately, even if I could dine in the finest restaurants every night or live in the most beautiful Victorian mansion, I would never be truly content. Plus, God's nature and people make a better home any day.

The cool thing is, I know that I would find joy in living simply--even though the world says otherwise. I can totally imagine myself living in a small town in a developing country, not missing the luxuries of America too much. My mom and sisters obviously do not think so--> What a waste of a good Williams education if I don't go out there and make millions.

So I pray for a heart that is willing to submit to God's radical plans. Been reading Ephesians lately and thinking about Paul--what an encouragement and inspiration he is in this regard. For once, I am feeling like Paul is a dear friend and brother rather than someone who is literally above and beyond :)

Poverty II

II. Poverty: Not in God's Nation
Posted At : April 18, 2009 9:58 PM

This is part II of a four part series.

When humanity chose oppression and exploitation over caring for one another and for God’s creation, God decided to show the world how things ought to work through a single nation. He chose the family of Abraham to display to the entire planet what a kingdom ruled by his principles might look like.

God waited until this family had become slaves to an oppressive nation that was executing a kind of genocidal population control by killing all Hebrew baby boys (see Exodus 1). God figured that since this slave race knew first hand what oppression felt like, they would be careful not to oppress others.

“True justice must be given to foreigners living among you and to orphans, and you must never accept a widow’s garment as security for her debt. Always remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the Lord your God redeemed you from your slavery. That is why I have given you this command.” Deuteronomy 24:17-18 (NLT)

Since humans were not responding to our genetic encoding – made in God’s image to govern in such a way as to create and inspire human and environmental flourishing – he gave these liberated slaves specific instructions which they referred to as The Law. If they followed it the world would see how things were meant to be.

“There should be no poor among you, for the Lord your God will greatly bless you in the land he is giving you as a special possession. You will receive this blessing if you are careful to obey all the commands of the Lord your God that I am giving you today.” Deuteronomy 15:4-5 (NLT).

Imagine it. An entire nation without a single poor person. But God knew our penchant to stray from his principles, and he knew that a nation like this would be such good news to the poor from surrounding nations that there would always be someone in need in the land. So just to be sure we understood that a nation under his laws would not permit poverty to survive for long, he laid out some additional safeguards.

Anyone who loaned money was commanded to forgive any and all debts every seventh year. And every fiftieth year people who had acquired a lot of property, either because of the misfortune of others or because of their own business prowess, were required to give it back to the family from whom they had bought it. This would be a society where there were no super rich or super poor, where everyone was commanded to be open handed with their resources.

“But if there are any poor Israelites in your towns when you arrive in the land the Lord your God is giving you, do not be hard-hearted or tightfisted toward them. Instead, be generous and lend them whatever they need. Do not be mean-spirited and refuse someone a loan because the year for canceling debts is close at hand. If you refuse to make the loan and the needy person cries out to the Lord, you will be considered guilty of sin. Give generously to the poor, not grudgingly, for the Lord your God will bless you in everything you do. There will always be some in the land who are poor. That is why I am commanding you to share freely with the poor and with other Israelites in need.” Deuteronomy 15:7-11 (NLT)

The agricultural and societal laws that God gave to this former-slave nation were designed to guard against greed and exploitation and insure that the weak and powerless were defended by law. Poverty could not exist in a family for more than one generation in such a society, nor would any family have to suffer the terrible illusion that they were independent of God because they had become so wealthy (either by accumulating interest on debts or by accumulating other people’s property).

Give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that I need, or I shall be full, and deny you, and say, "Who is the Lord?" or I shall be poor, and steal, and profane the name of my God. Proverbs 30:8-9 (NRSV)

Poverty was not part of creation when God dreamed up the world at the beginning. It came about as a result of the Fall. And when God established a nation of freed slaves, poverty would not be part of their reality if they followed his laws. Unfortunately the slaves forgot what it was like to be oppressed and became oppressors themselves. Poverty remained part of the picture.

God's next attempt to rid us of this scourge came when the Church was born. Stay tuned for Part III.

-From Urbana.org

I am so convicted! Most recently, I have been coming to a clear realization of the utter insignificance of material wealth once we reach the threshold of material sufficiency. More money rarely, if ever, leads to true joy, but almost invariably invites trouble and an insatiable hunger for more.

Realizing that I have more than enough now and will always live under divine providence liberates me to take risks for God. And stepping out on faith for the building of God's kingdom here on earth has always resulted in deep fulfillment and joy. So dare to dream big! Because God always seems to use the little people like you and me to accomplish unimaginable feats through his amazing grace (and of course, all for His glory throughout the heavenly realms).

"When fear shapes our lives, safety becomes our God. When safety becomes our God, we worship the risk-free life. Can the safety lover do anything great? Can the risk-averse accomplish noble deeds? For God? For others? No. The fear-filled cannot love deeply. Love is risky. They cannot give to the poor. Benevolence has no guarantee of return. The fear-filled cannot dream wildly. What if their dreams sputter and fall from the sky? The worship of safety emasculates greatness." -Max Lucado, Fear.

It's a dark and dreary in the city by the bay. But I am feeling oddly alive. I am sitting at my wooden desk reminiscing of the snowy Saturday mornings in Williamstown...the warmth of the old entry dorms, brunches at driscoll, tunes of the chapel bells. Hmmmm good times. I am realizing just how precious those years were. Never would I have imagined spending such long winters in a cozy brick dorm, in a little farm town nestled in the mountains thousands of miles from home.

It's one of those days when all you want to do is bundle up and read a good book in bed. (Though I don't think I've ever let myself indulge in such a thing!) Work just never seems to end. One of these days, I'll have to learn.

Life has been good. A lot of wandering around the dark...experimenting with different jobs, building relationships, doing the things I've always wanted to do but have been too busy or afraid to do. One of those things is social dancing. I never knew how glorious it feels to soar across the dance floor. As the music flows, time stops and you forget all your preoccupations. I think I'm in love.

--------------

I met a little angel today in church. She sat two seats away from me and loves to sing the same songs that I love to sing. We had an instant connection when the music started and she ended up moving to the seat next to me. I am excited to see her again next Sunday.

It's beginning to smell like Christmas!

A curious blend of Granny Smith and Fuji apples disintegrating into a simmer of cinnamon and ginger apple butter saturates my home with nostalgic scents of the holidays! Though the sun still shines vigorously to preserve the tenacious spirit of summer.

Oh, how I can't wait to for the snowflakes to light up on Market Street, for evening walks in the winter air, and for rhythmic beats of raindrops to usher me into a halcyon slumber.

To give

And [Jesus] looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury. And He saw a certain poor widow putting in two small copper coins. And He said, "Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all of them; for they all out of their surplus put into the offering; but she out of her poverty put in all that she had to live on." (NAS, Luke 21:1-4)

I can't say I've ever had a heart as generous and faithful as this widow. Out of her poverty she put in all that she had to live on. You must have so much faith to give what you cannot. I wonder what that actually looks like in today's world. It's a challenge to understand her mindset, to put myself in her shoes.

Too often do I forget to live with that eternal perspective.

"He who gives to the poor will never want, but he who shuts his eyes will have many curses." (NAS, Proverbs 28:27)

He who gives will never want. What beautiful freedom and contentment we can have in Christ! I think back to my time in Africa and other developing countries. How easy it was to feel content, joyful, and so very blessed everyday with the little that we had. It made it much easier to focus on the purposeful things of God that bring true fulfillment and meaning in life.


"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. "So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. (NIV, Matthew 6:1-2)

How valuable and rare is this sort of motivation! Culturally, I think Americans tend to be quite generous philanthropists. But we have plenty (much more than the rest of the world), and are too often praised for such acts of righteousness. If we are to give in return for the honor of men, better we not give at all.

So I do pray for a right heart that seeks to give and serve, so that I may bear much fruit--the fruit that glorifies God of course. John 15.

-------------------

I was in church this morning and found myself being critical--critical of the pastors and the service, questioning why I was there. I was so frustrated and struggled through most of the singing. But then God seriously spoke to me.

"Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment" (John 7:24).

"You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." (Matthew 7:5)

"Now receive the one who is weak in the faith, and do not have disputes over differing opinions. One person believes in eating everything, but the weak person eats only vegetables. The one who eats everything must not despise the one who does not, and the one who abstains must not judge the one who eats everything, for God has accepted him. Who are you to pass judgment on another’s servant? Before his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

One person regards one day holier than other days, and another regards them all alike. Each must be fully convinced in his own mind. The one who observes the day does it for the Lord. The one who eats, eats for the Lord because he gives thanks to God, and the one who abstains from eating abstains for the Lord, and he gives thanks to God. For none of us lives for himself and none dies for himself. If we live, we live for the Lord; if we die, we die for the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s. For this reason Christ died and returned to life, so that he may be the Lord of both the dead and the living.

But you who eat vegetables only – why do you judge your brother or sister? And you who eat everything – why do you despise your brother or sister? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God. For it is written, “As I live, says the Lord, every knee will bow to me, and every tongue will give praise to God.” Therefore, each of us will give an account of himself to God.

Therefore we must not pass judgment on one another, but rather determine never to place an obstacle or a trap before a brother or sister. I know and am convinced in the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean in itself; still, it is unclean to the one who considers it unclean. For if your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy by your food someone for whom Christ died. Therefore do not let what you consider good be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God does not consist of food and drink, but righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. For the one who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by people.

So then, let us pursue what makes for peace and for building up one another. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. For although all things are clean, it is wrong to cause anyone to stumble by what you eat. It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything that causes your brother to stumble.

The faith you have, keep to yourself before God. Blessed is the one who does not judge himself by what he approves. But the man who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not do so from faith, and whatever is not from faith is sin." (Romans 14)

My Father

I hope he died a happy man.

About 2 weeks ago, I received a phone call from the hospital one morning, informing me that someone discovered my father passed out on the streets and called 911. He was then admitted into St. Luke's hospital and treated for an infection on his ankle and his diabetes. Things weren't too serious. He was talking and walking--even singing--when I visited with my mom.

This past Thursday morning, my mom headed out to Chinatown bright and early, hoping to cook up another tasty meal for my dad. But the food never made it to his mouth. It awaited me on the dinning table when I returned home that night, after my mom found my dad lying cold and unconscious in the Intensive Care Unit on the 11th floor.

I noticed the fear, sadness, and frustration in my mom's voice as she shared the news. But neither one of us really grasped the gravity of the situation or understood what had happened.

After days of visits and family drama, my father is still unconscious in the ICU and does not seem to be improving.

Today, after hours of waiting, I was finally able to speak with the doctor.

Apparently, about 2am on the night of September 17th, the nurse unexpectedly found my father lying in bed without a pulse. It took 15 minutes for the doctor to resuscitate him and cool his body to minimize damage from the lack of oxygen.

After extensive tests, why or when my father stopped breathing remains an enigma. There was nothing wrong with his heart or arteries. The doctors are baffled, but think the whole incident may have been precipitated by phlegm that obstructed his breathing. As absurd as it sounds, my dad's death may have been caused by an unsuccessful struggle to clear his throat.

Somehow we are not satisfied with this explanation, which is not much of an explanation at all. At the end of the day, we are left with many questions and "maybes," and nobody or ailment to blame.


Right now, my father has tubes all over and is sustained by the drones of a respirator. Every once in a while, he opens his eyes or twitches his leg and we think perhaps he will finally wake up!

But the nurse tells me that these bodily movements mean nothing. His eyelids may flutter open for a few seconds (he even sheds tears), but his eyeballs remain stagnant. He may look, but he cannot see or recognize us.

The doctors think his brain has sustained too much damage from the lack of oxygen. My father may never be able to live on his own again. I will never hear him speak or laugh or cry.

He is alive and yet he is dead.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" -1 John 3:1

I like green

Weather: Hot, hot, hot!
Word of the day: Torpor--extreme mental and physical sluggishness. Languor. Lethargy.

"Torpor, sometimes called temporary hibernation^[1] is a (usually short-term) state of decreased physiological activity in an animal, usually characterized by a reduced body temperature and rate of metabolism....Torpor is alternatively used as a reference to any non-physiological state of inactivity.^{[citation needed]} As an example, recently naturalists have learned that female crocodiles enters a deep torpor without aggression during their short egg laying period. " =) Compliments of Wikipedia


It is due to this sudden wave of extreme torpor that I create this blog.

It's been two weeks since I've been home. But it's home and it's not home. 5 years ago it was home. At that time, I went to school from 7 am to 7 pm and spent the remaining hours eating, sleeping, watching Chinese soaps, and being pressured by my sisters into doing the dishes. Yes, that was life.

Though for the past 5 years, I've successfully evaded the responsibility of dish-washing. How? I was lucky enough to get a full ride to Williams College. Life was simple in the purple valley (aka Williamstown). We lived to learn and there wasn't much more to it. I ate what I wanted, whenever I wanted (granted it was available in Williamstown).

Still, we considered the grass to be greener on the other side. We would drive hours to get to a city with real entertainment--clubs, bars, movies, and ethnic food. We reminisced of Dim Sum, Korean BBQ, and the aromas of our lovely mothers' cooking. In fact, we ordered ethnic foods in mass shipments.

So now I'm "home." Yes, I have to do the dishes...and I get to eat my mother's cooking. But that's the icing on the cake.

Most of the time, I find that I have very little patience with my mother's efforts to criticize or inquire about my every action and decision. I freak out when she freaks out at the way I cute pineapples. I get frustrated when she trys to dictate the foods I eat, the hour in which I wake up and go to bed. For now, I've learned to avoid mentioning career or education decisions in her presence.

Oh Lord, grant me patience, love, and understanding (esp.) when my mom still likes to treat me like a 10-year old.

So beyond dealing with the needs and concerns of mothers, sisters, uncles, and cousins, it is also difficult being back in a city where everything is at your fingertips. The city overwhelms you with need and opportunity. There is too much to do, too many causes and possibilities.

San Francisco is a completely different place when one no longer spend 12 hours a day in school. The inner city also becomes a new experience when one can compare it to the Berkshires, rural villages, and developing countries. O how I miss the minimal structure of a class schedule and the friendly limits of a small town.

hmmm I think I also miss green. I surely don't miss cleaning the black soot off my window sills every week. I don't miss the constant noise and light, the dust and sneezing, and the inability to just be in nature.

It takes a lot more effort to maintain relationships and get things done here. I guess I expected it, but I didn't expect how much of a struggle it would be to wean myself of my dilatory habits and maintain a disciplined schedule now that I don't have an obvious academic goal in sight.

Actually, I do have an academic goal: I'm supposed to be studying for the GRE. But really, I've yet to invest even 3 productive hours towards it. O how I despise standardnized tests! Its hard to motivate myself to study a list of vocabulary when all I really want to do is get my hands dirty and make the world a brighter (and greener?) place. But since I've yet to find an outlet for that, I've decided to take out my frustrations on this spiffy new blog. : )

Don't get me wrong, just because I am still adjusting to life after college doesn't mean I actually miss the pampering of Williams. I do miss the people, the Berkshires, and the easy access--but I do realize that there's a time for everything and I can't stay in the bubble forever. College life had toubles of its own.

Anyway, back to my original thought--home. It's exciting to come back to familiar faces, streets and sights. But I don't feel particularly at home yet. I've yet to discover my place, my routine in this city. I want neighbors. I want to get to know the person making my coffee every morning (I've yet to find a cute coffee shop). I want a meaningful project in which to channel my time and passion.

hmm. I'm sure I'll find my place in due time.

Picture attack: Williamstown, MA






looks like I'm actually doing something important huh. : P