Hmmmm...it's late, and I'm yawning, but I have much on my mind.
So in the past 6 months since graduating from Williams, I've....(in no particular order)...
1. Went to Burma
2. Took the GREs, the CBEST, applied to grad school (though I am totally having second thoughts now!)
3. interviewed at a bunch of places, edited my resume copious times, and thought long and hard about my passions/gifts and future
4. committed to a small group and found a second church home
5. contemplated my role at church, tried to engage ministry opportunities
6. cultivated amazing new relationships
7. learned to ballroom dance
8. became a better city driver
9. tempted for a bunch of non-profits
10. worked for the Ronald McDonald House
11. picked up the violin again, and now fooling around with guitar too (don't know where this is going)
12. read some great books (though I always wish I could read more)
13. attempted to keep in touch with people from a million different places
14. succeeded in securing rec letters from profs
15. completed the arduous process of becoming a mentor to a refugee/immigrant youth
16. was incredibly inspired at a young adults retreat at Tahoe. Got my dose of snow, fire, fresh air, sledding, and pampering.
17. finally learned how to play rockband and some wii games
18. has, hopefully, been a blessing to her family
19. was too distracted throughout the holidays--but ultimately able to meditate on the true reason for the season.
20. dealt with the shocking loss of her father
Some things on my mind for the coming days:
1. Full time youth ministry--both daunting and exciting. Praying. Trusting. Do I really see myself as a youth worker/pastor? I guess we'll find out.
2. Still feel called to the poor in developing countries--missionary work at some point? In what capacity?
3. Ready to have my own space, but hate to give up free housing at my mom's
4. Not so sure about grad school anymore. I'd be surprised if I got in--I don't feel ready yet. Glad I only applied to one program. Perhaps I was too hasty.
5. What professional skills do I want to cultivate in the future?
6. Must work on my personal and spiritual discipline. I think the structure of my new job will help.
7. So busy, so many activities and things I want to do. So many friends to make time for. How should I prioritize? I need to be more efficient. Lord, help me to make the most of my limited time here on earth.
8. Overall, excited about what the near future holds. I am open to wherever God leads. Everything is in flux, but trust in Him and knowledge of his goodness and faithfulness makes it all bearable.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
God is good
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. [Romans 8:28]
Been reminded lately that I have to have faith in God's plan and not my own credentials and efforts.
In another 24 hours, I shall be done with this year's grad school apps. I am only applying to one program--though, there is little difference between applying to one and a dozen. Except for the $$ of course.
I figured, why apply to so many if I have a clear preference for one? Plus, I wouldn't mind too much if I don't get in and perhaps end up applying again next year. Who knows, God could have much better plans for me elsewhere!!
Today has been a great day for copious reasons:
1. SUN SUN SUN!
2. Passed the CBEST, so now I can actually be a substitute teacher and am on my way towards being fully credentialed
3. All my letters of rec and thank yous are done!
4. I have an interview at a truly rewarding and challenging job tomorrow! Indeed, it is a job that God has provided for me even before my graduation from Williams--except It has taken me THIS long to respond. But now that I've had an opportunity to try out a myriad of jobs, I think I can appreciate my strengths and the position so much more.
5. Reminded of God's unfailing goodness and faithfulness
Praying that you are having a blessed day too!
Been reminded lately that I have to have faith in God's plan and not my own credentials and efforts.
In another 24 hours, I shall be done with this year's grad school apps. I am only applying to one program--though, there is little difference between applying to one and a dozen. Except for the $$ of course.
I figured, why apply to so many if I have a clear preference for one? Plus, I wouldn't mind too much if I don't get in and perhaps end up applying again next year. Who knows, God could have much better plans for me elsewhere!!
Today has been a great day for copious reasons:
1. SUN SUN SUN!
2. Passed the CBEST, so now I can actually be a substitute teacher and am on my way towards being fully credentialed
3. All my letters of rec and thank yous are done!
4. I have an interview at a truly rewarding and challenging job tomorrow! Indeed, it is a job that God has provided for me even before my graduation from Williams--except It has taken me THIS long to respond. But now that I've had an opportunity to try out a myriad of jobs, I think I can appreciate my strengths and the position so much more.
5. Reminded of God's unfailing goodness and faithfulness
Praying that you are having a blessed day too!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
ladder of success
Climbing the ladder of success
Hurrying along fast and furiously
Though I have no idea where
It shall lead and in the end take me
Nevertheless I hurry along feverishly
No time for a meaningful conversation
My nose is now set to the grindstone
Forget being weary. No time to groan.
I work late night hours before going home
My family it seems I no longer even know
Yet my professional career is most dear
I don't get much time off during the year
To go on vacation or elicit new inspiration
I'm ready to bleed as a workaholic indeed
I'm important and meet my company's need
Never do I hesitate to work or do a good deed
My incessant restlessness my employment
Does silence, sedate, distract, and feed
Because after all, the American way is greed
We've got to go out, buy, sell, and acquire
Of consumerism, the people must never tire
For we are consumed by our fiery desires
Contentment we can't possess, neither know
We are forever enslaved to the vain show
Comparing and competing with each other
Disregard considering ourselves equal
As if we were loving sisters and brothers
The exterior and outward has taken over
What we wear, drive, and where we live
Charitable contributions we don't give
It's me, myself, and I who I forever love
No time for spirituality, nor God above
Onward I march, press, push, and shove
Paying my bills, life has lost its thrill
I've forget as I boy what I dreamed of
Continually climbing up the ladder of success
Deceivingly, I look like I'm all put together
Yet I assuredly know I am one big mess
Look beyond that which I say and profess
Dumbfounded and leaning on the wrong building
I've climbed this ladder of reckless success
Only to discover it is an illusion without basis.
-Paul Davis
Hurrying along fast and furiously
Though I have no idea where
It shall lead and in the end take me
Nevertheless I hurry along feverishly
No time for a meaningful conversation
My nose is now set to the grindstone
Forget being weary. No time to groan.
I work late night hours before going home
My family it seems I no longer even know
Yet my professional career is most dear
I don't get much time off during the year
To go on vacation or elicit new inspiration
I'm ready to bleed as a workaholic indeed
I'm important and meet my company's need
Never do I hesitate to work or do a good deed
My incessant restlessness my employment
Does silence, sedate, distract, and feed
Because after all, the American way is greed
We've got to go out, buy, sell, and acquire
Of consumerism, the people must never tire
For we are consumed by our fiery desires
Contentment we can't possess, neither know
We are forever enslaved to the vain show
Comparing and competing with each other
Disregard considering ourselves equal
As if we were loving sisters and brothers
The exterior and outward has taken over
What we wear, drive, and where we live
Charitable contributions we don't give
It's me, myself, and I who I forever love
No time for spirituality, nor God above
Onward I march, press, push, and shove
Paying my bills, life has lost its thrill
I've forget as I boy what I dreamed of
Continually climbing up the ladder of success
Deceivingly, I look like I'm all put together
Yet I assuredly know I am one big mess
Look beyond that which I say and profess
Dumbfounded and leaning on the wrong building
I've climbed this ladder of reckless success
Only to discover it is an illusion without basis.
-Paul Davis
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tired
I think the MSG in the food has been making me extremely tired lately.
Suddenly I can't keep my eyes open anymore and its only 11pm!
Hate to say it, but Bible Study was a bit of a disappointment today because we ended up not studying the Bible or praying yet again. And I was so looking forward to it too.
I like the people in the group and its fun and comfortable--but I don't think it does too much for me spiritually. Sometimes I wonder whether I should be looking for something more...Should I be expecting more?
On a completely unrelated note, I got a guitar for Christmas and have been so excited about the song I'm learning off Youtube. Its Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton--just about the saddest song ever. I'm excited to learn some praise Choruses soon.
Feeling stressed lately about these grad school essays. So much to do and so little time. I can't wait till Jan 5th when they're done! But I have to remind myself that its in God's hands...I just want so much to do His will and not mine.
Suddenly I can't keep my eyes open anymore and its only 11pm!
Hate to say it, but Bible Study was a bit of a disappointment today because we ended up not studying the Bible or praying yet again. And I was so looking forward to it too.
I like the people in the group and its fun and comfortable--but I don't think it does too much for me spiritually. Sometimes I wonder whether I should be looking for something more...Should I be expecting more?
On a completely unrelated note, I got a guitar for Christmas and have been so excited about the song I'm learning off Youtube. Its Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton--just about the saddest song ever. I'm excited to learn some praise Choruses soon.
Feeling stressed lately about these grad school essays. So much to do and so little time. I can't wait till Jan 5th when they're done! But I have to remind myself that its in God's hands...I just want so much to do His will and not mine.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas 2009
Woke up to warm, bright sunshine today. First thought: definitely not a white Christmas. But nevertheless magical in its own way.
(I always tend to associate such brightness with new years, especially lunar new year. Don't ask why.)
Anyway, it was nice to wake up feeling like I could just "chill" today and not worry about all that I have to do post-Christmas. I enjoyed praying in bed this morning amidst the all too familiar clinks and clangs of pots and pans as my mom prepared for our guests this evening. I think the full half-hour of church bells ringing from the Catholic Church directly across from my windows eventually inspired me to get out of bed.
Really, most of today was spent cleaning and prepping. But that was actually a blessing because cleaning your home can feel like you're cleaning your life sometimes. The house is immaculate now and I hope we were a blessing to our guests.
I got some great gifts this year: a darkened room, a clean and warm home, the company of my two sisters, a handy soon-to-be brother in law, a delicious meal, and enough love that I can be appreciative and thankful for.
(I always tend to associate such brightness with new years, especially lunar new year. Don't ask why.)
Anyway, it was nice to wake up feeling like I could just "chill" today and not worry about all that I have to do post-Christmas. I enjoyed praying in bed this morning amidst the all too familiar clinks and clangs of pots and pans as my mom prepared for our guests this evening. I think the full half-hour of church bells ringing from the Catholic Church directly across from my windows eventually inspired me to get out of bed.
Really, most of today was spent cleaning and prepping. But that was actually a blessing because cleaning your home can feel like you're cleaning your life sometimes. The house is immaculate now and I hope we were a blessing to our guests.
I got some great gifts this year: a darkened room, a clean and warm home, the company of my two sisters, a handy soon-to-be brother in law, a delicious meal, and enough love that I can be appreciative and thankful for.
Friday, December 25, 2009
unfulfilled expectations?
I'll be careful not to harbor such high ones next year.
I love the holiday season...the break from school, the opportunity to go home and see family and friends, the feelings of joy and gratitude..etc. But the closest thing I've come to a Macaulay Culkin kind of Christmas was actually during my year in Mexico when we had huge, ginormous family gatherings, tons of gifts and surprises, holiday decor, chilly weather, and a season filled with excitement and reflective gratitude. It was a special year in countless ways, and most definitely a special Christmas.
This Christmas has come and gone in a flash--the speediest and perhaps most disappointing flash I've experienced in may years. Why is that?
When I was growing up, we didn't really celebrate Christmas. Nevertheless, some years we would manage to put up a fake tree and always had at least one or two gifts from family friends or the building management. Those were exciting times because our traditional Chinese parents NEVER EVER thought to buy superfluous toys--and it was beyond impractical to wrap them. So you can imagine just how special Christmas was when uncovered that Barbie doll or spinning fairy.
As I grew up, become a Christian, and got increasingly socialized into American culture, I think I've developed quite sophisticated expectations of what Christmas should be. Not only that, but as a Christian, Christmas actually has significant meaning for me now. I used to be pretty involved in the Church during this season--wrapping gifts, decorating, caroling, kettling, and singing in the infamous Christmas musicals! But not so much this year. One, I'm old. Two, I'm not really plugged-in anywhere yet.
So this year, I don't have a climatic "winter recess" to look forward to. No break from work or life. In fact, I have a timeline for writing a bunch of grad school essays this week. I've spent the past 3 Christmases either with friends on the east coast or abroad--so in one way or another they've been pretty unique. I remember Christmas day in Sichuan...(going to a gorgeous church, dim sum, markets, feast and fellowship at our hostel.) I remember a white Christmas with Emily in Carlisle...(mashed potatoes, igloos, settlers, cookies,and Pictionary!) I remember an unusually warm and snow-less Christmas in NYC for the first time with Ana...(late night chats, scented candles, Brooklyn streets, and of course, lots of Barbadian love.)
So many great Christmases, though none too conventional. I was super excited to finally be home for Christmas this year, but it has been somewhat distracted to say the least. Distracted by the city, by work, by grad school, by family, by my preoccupations with the present and future. I might have forgotten to stop 'figuring out life' and take time to embrace Christmas this year. I guess doing something special for Christmas has always made it special, but this Christmas has been pretty anti-climatic, especially since I haven't taken a sabbath from daily work and worries.
That's what really makes Christmas so special...the intentionality of it all. It is the act of carving out special blocks of time for family and reflection; the decision to stop and smell the flowers--and thank God for them! So I guess there was nothing to make me stop and take a breather this year, though I wish there were and I wish I had.
I wish I had dug deeper into God, that I had basked in his presence a little longer, spread his love a little further. But who says Christmas ends after December 25th? I think I am going to grow and extend the holiday spirit a little longer, especially now that the crazy crowds in downtown SF begin retreating. Hopefully it will be Christmas all life long..as I need at least that to prepare for and celebrate Jesus.
I love the holiday season...the break from school, the opportunity to go home and see family and friends, the feelings of joy and gratitude..etc. But the closest thing I've come to a Macaulay Culkin kind of Christmas was actually during my year in Mexico when we had huge, ginormous family gatherings, tons of gifts and surprises, holiday decor, chilly weather, and a season filled with excitement and reflective gratitude. It was a special year in countless ways, and most definitely a special Christmas.
This Christmas has come and gone in a flash--the speediest and perhaps most disappointing flash I've experienced in may years. Why is that?
When I was growing up, we didn't really celebrate Christmas. Nevertheless, some years we would manage to put up a fake tree and always had at least one or two gifts from family friends or the building management. Those were exciting times because our traditional Chinese parents NEVER EVER thought to buy superfluous toys--and it was beyond impractical to wrap them. So you can imagine just how special Christmas was when uncovered that Barbie doll or spinning fairy.
As I grew up, become a Christian, and got increasingly socialized into American culture, I think I've developed quite sophisticated expectations of what Christmas should be. Not only that, but as a Christian, Christmas actually has significant meaning for me now. I used to be pretty involved in the Church during this season--wrapping gifts, decorating, caroling, kettling, and singing in the infamous Christmas musicals! But not so much this year. One, I'm old. Two, I'm not really plugged-in anywhere yet.
So this year, I don't have a climatic "winter recess" to look forward to. No break from work or life. In fact, I have a timeline for writing a bunch of grad school essays this week. I've spent the past 3 Christmases either with friends on the east coast or abroad--so in one way or another they've been pretty unique. I remember Christmas day in Sichuan...(going to a gorgeous church, dim sum, markets, feast and fellowship at our hostel.) I remember a white Christmas with Emily in Carlisle...(mashed potatoes, igloos, settlers, cookies,and Pictionary!) I remember an unusually warm and snow-less Christmas in NYC for the first time with Ana...(late night chats, scented candles, Brooklyn streets, and of course, lots of Barbadian love.)
So many great Christmases, though none too conventional. I was super excited to finally be home for Christmas this year, but it has been somewhat distracted to say the least. Distracted by the city, by work, by grad school, by family, by my preoccupations with the present and future. I might have forgotten to stop 'figuring out life' and take time to embrace Christmas this year. I guess doing something special for Christmas has always made it special, but this Christmas has been pretty anti-climatic, especially since I haven't taken a sabbath from daily work and worries.
That's what really makes Christmas so special...the intentionality of it all. It is the act of carving out special blocks of time for family and reflection; the decision to stop and smell the flowers--and thank God for them! So I guess there was nothing to make me stop and take a breather this year, though I wish there were and I wish I had.
I wish I had dug deeper into God, that I had basked in his presence a little longer, spread his love a little further. But who says Christmas ends after December 25th? I think I am going to grow and extend the holiday spirit a little longer, especially now that the crazy crowds in downtown SF begin retreating. Hopefully it will be Christmas all life long..as I need at least that to prepare for and celebrate Jesus.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
thankful
Highlight of the day: a phone conversation with Ana.
I am so thankful for friends who keep me grounded; friends whom I can cry with, whom I can share anything and everything with.
Thank you Father for a warm home this holiday season, for friends both new and old, for laughter and joy, and the ability to appreciate your gift of life.
Thank you for hope and a heart of compassion. Help me to love as you love.
I am so thankful for friends who keep me grounded; friends whom I can cry with, whom I can share anything and everything with.
Thank you Father for a warm home this holiday season, for friends both new and old, for laughter and joy, and the ability to appreciate your gift of life.
Thank you for hope and a heart of compassion. Help me to love as you love.
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