Word of the day: Torpor--extreme mental and physical sluggishness. Languor. Lethargy.
"Torpor, sometimes called temporary hibernation[1] is a (usually short-term) state of decreased physiological activity in an animal, usually characterized by a reduced body temperature and rate of metabolism....Torpor is alternatively used as a reference to any non-physiological state of inactivity.[citation needed] As an example, recently naturalists have learned that female crocodiles enters a deep torpor without aggression during their short egg laying period. " =) Compliments of Wikipedia
It is due to this sudden wave of extreme torpor that I create this blog.
It's been two weeks since I've been home. But it's home and it's not home. 5 years ago it was home. At that time, I went to school from 7 am to 7 pm and spent the remaining hours eating, sleeping, watching Chinese soaps, and being pressured by my sisters into doing the dishes. Yes, that was life.
Though for the past 5 years, I've successfully evaded the responsibility of dish-washing. How? I was lucky enough to get a full ride to Williams College. Life was simple in the purple valley (aka Williamstown). We lived to learn and there wasn't much more to it. I ate what I wanted, whenever I wanted (granted it was available in Williamstown).
Still, we considered the grass to be greener on the other side. We would drive hours to get to a city with real entertainment--clubs, bars, movies, and ethnic food. We reminisced of Dim Sum, Korean BBQ, and the aromas of our lovely mothers' cooking. In fact, we ordered ethnic foods in mass shipments.
So now I'm "home." Yes, I have to do the dishes...and I get to eat my mother's cooking. But that's the icing on the cake.
Most of the time, I find that I have very little patience with my mother's efforts to criticize or inquire about my every action and decision. I freak out when she freaks out at the way I cute pineapples. I get frustrated when she trys to dictate the foods I eat, the hour in which I wake up and go to bed. For now, I've learned to avoid mentioning career or education decisions in her presence.
Oh Lord, grant me patience, love, and understanding (esp.) when my mom still likes to treat me like a 10-year old.
So beyond dealing with the needs and concerns of mothers, sisters, uncles, and cousins, it is also difficult being back in a city where everything is at your fingertips. The city overwhelms you with need and opportunity. There is too much to do, too many causes and possibilities.
San Francisco is a completely different place when one no longer spend 12 hours a day in school. The inner city also becomes a new experience when one can compare it to the Berkshires, rural villages, and developing countries. O how I miss the minimal structure of a class schedule and the friendly limits of a small town.
hmmm I think I also miss green. I surely don't miss cleaning the black soot off my window sills every week. I don't miss the constant noise and light, the dust and sneezing, and the inability to just be in nature.
It takes a lot more effort to maintain relationships and get things done here. I guess I expected it, but I didn't expect how much of a struggle it would be to wean myself of my dilatory habits and maintain a disciplined schedule now that I don't have an obvious academic goal in sight.
Actually, I do have an academic goal: I'm supposed to be studying for the GRE. But really, I've yet to invest even 3 productive hours towards it. O how I despise standardnized tests! Its hard to motivate myself to study a list of vocabulary when all I really want to do is get my hands dirty and make the world a brighter (and greener?) place. But since I've yet to find an outlet for that, I've decided to take out my frustrations on this spiffy new blog. : )
Don't get me wrong, just because I am still adjusting to life after college doesn't mean I actually miss the pampering of Williams. I do miss the people, the Berkshires, and the easy access--but I do realize that there's a time for everything and I can't stay in the bubble forever. College life had toubles of its own.
Anyway, back to my original thought--home. It's exciting to come back to familiar faces, streets and sights. But I don't feel particularly at home yet. I've yet to discover my place, my routine in this city. I want neighbors. I want to get to know the person making my coffee every morning (I've yet to find a cute coffee shop). I want a meaningful project in which to channel my time and passion.
hmm. I'm sure I'll find my place in due time.
Picture attack: Williamstown, MA
looks like I'm actually doing something important huh. : P
