Climbing the ladder of success
Hurrying along fast and furiously
Though I have no idea where
It shall lead and in the end take me
Nevertheless I hurry along feverishly
No time for a meaningful conversation
My nose is now set to the grindstone
Forget being weary. No time to groan.
I work late night hours before going home
My family it seems I no longer even know
Yet my professional career is most dear
I don't get much time off during the year
To go on vacation or elicit new inspiration
I'm ready to bleed as a workaholic indeed
I'm important and meet my company's need
Never do I hesitate to work or do a good deed
My incessant restlessness my employment
Does silence, sedate, distract, and feed
Because after all, the American way is greed
We've got to go out, buy, sell, and acquire
Of consumerism, the people must never tire
For we are consumed by our fiery desires
Contentment we can't possess, neither know
We are forever enslaved to the vain show
Comparing and competing with each other
Disregard considering ourselves equal
As if we were loving sisters and brothers
The exterior and outward has taken over
What we wear, drive, and where we live
Charitable contributions we don't give
It's me, myself, and I who I forever love
No time for spirituality, nor God above
Onward I march, press, push, and shove
Paying my bills, life has lost its thrill
I've forget as I boy what I dreamed of
Continually climbing up the ladder of success
Deceivingly, I look like I'm all put together
Yet I assuredly know I am one big mess
Look beyond that which I say and profess
Dumbfounded and leaning on the wrong building
I've climbed this ladder of reckless success
Only to discover it is an illusion without basis.
-Paul Davis
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tired
I think the MSG in the food has been making me extremely tired lately.
Suddenly I can't keep my eyes open anymore and its only 11pm!
Hate to say it, but Bible Study was a bit of a disappointment today because we ended up not studying the Bible or praying yet again. And I was so looking forward to it too.
I like the people in the group and its fun and comfortable--but I don't think it does too much for me spiritually. Sometimes I wonder whether I should be looking for something more...Should I be expecting more?
On a completely unrelated note, I got a guitar for Christmas and have been so excited about the song I'm learning off Youtube. Its Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton--just about the saddest song ever. I'm excited to learn some praise Choruses soon.
Feeling stressed lately about these grad school essays. So much to do and so little time. I can't wait till Jan 5th when they're done! But I have to remind myself that its in God's hands...I just want so much to do His will and not mine.
Suddenly I can't keep my eyes open anymore and its only 11pm!
Hate to say it, but Bible Study was a bit of a disappointment today because we ended up not studying the Bible or praying yet again. And I was so looking forward to it too.
I like the people in the group and its fun and comfortable--but I don't think it does too much for me spiritually. Sometimes I wonder whether I should be looking for something more...Should I be expecting more?
On a completely unrelated note, I got a guitar for Christmas and have been so excited about the song I'm learning off Youtube. Its Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton--just about the saddest song ever. I'm excited to learn some praise Choruses soon.
Feeling stressed lately about these grad school essays. So much to do and so little time. I can't wait till Jan 5th when they're done! But I have to remind myself that its in God's hands...I just want so much to do His will and not mine.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas 2009
Woke up to warm, bright sunshine today. First thought: definitely not a white Christmas. But nevertheless magical in its own way.
(I always tend to associate such brightness with new years, especially lunar new year. Don't ask why.)
Anyway, it was nice to wake up feeling like I could just "chill" today and not worry about all that I have to do post-Christmas. I enjoyed praying in bed this morning amidst the all too familiar clinks and clangs of pots and pans as my mom prepared for our guests this evening. I think the full half-hour of church bells ringing from the Catholic Church directly across from my windows eventually inspired me to get out of bed.
Really, most of today was spent cleaning and prepping. But that was actually a blessing because cleaning your home can feel like you're cleaning your life sometimes. The house is immaculate now and I hope we were a blessing to our guests.
I got some great gifts this year: a darkened room, a clean and warm home, the company of my two sisters, a handy soon-to-be brother in law, a delicious meal, and enough love that I can be appreciative and thankful for.
(I always tend to associate such brightness with new years, especially lunar new year. Don't ask why.)
Anyway, it was nice to wake up feeling like I could just "chill" today and not worry about all that I have to do post-Christmas. I enjoyed praying in bed this morning amidst the all too familiar clinks and clangs of pots and pans as my mom prepared for our guests this evening. I think the full half-hour of church bells ringing from the Catholic Church directly across from my windows eventually inspired me to get out of bed.
Really, most of today was spent cleaning and prepping. But that was actually a blessing because cleaning your home can feel like you're cleaning your life sometimes. The house is immaculate now and I hope we were a blessing to our guests.
I got some great gifts this year: a darkened room, a clean and warm home, the company of my two sisters, a handy soon-to-be brother in law, a delicious meal, and enough love that I can be appreciative and thankful for.
Friday, December 25, 2009
unfulfilled expectations?
I'll be careful not to harbor such high ones next year.
I love the holiday season...the break from school, the opportunity to go home and see family and friends, the feelings of joy and gratitude..etc. But the closest thing I've come to a Macaulay Culkin kind of Christmas was actually during my year in Mexico when we had huge, ginormous family gatherings, tons of gifts and surprises, holiday decor, chilly weather, and a season filled with excitement and reflective gratitude. It was a special year in countless ways, and most definitely a special Christmas.
This Christmas has come and gone in a flash--the speediest and perhaps most disappointing flash I've experienced in may years. Why is that?
When I was growing up, we didn't really celebrate Christmas. Nevertheless, some years we would manage to put up a fake tree and always had at least one or two gifts from family friends or the building management. Those were exciting times because our traditional Chinese parents NEVER EVER thought to buy superfluous toys--and it was beyond impractical to wrap them. So you can imagine just how special Christmas was when uncovered that Barbie doll or spinning fairy.
As I grew up, become a Christian, and got increasingly socialized into American culture, I think I've developed quite sophisticated expectations of what Christmas should be. Not only that, but as a Christian, Christmas actually has significant meaning for me now. I used to be pretty involved in the Church during this season--wrapping gifts, decorating, caroling, kettling, and singing in the infamous Christmas musicals! But not so much this year. One, I'm old. Two, I'm not really plugged-in anywhere yet.
So this year, I don't have a climatic "winter recess" to look forward to. No break from work or life. In fact, I have a timeline for writing a bunch of grad school essays this week. I've spent the past 3 Christmases either with friends on the east coast or abroad--so in one way or another they've been pretty unique. I remember Christmas day in Sichuan...(going to a gorgeous church, dim sum, markets, feast and fellowship at our hostel.) I remember a white Christmas with Emily in Carlisle...(mashed potatoes, igloos, settlers, cookies,and Pictionary!) I remember an unusually warm and snow-less Christmas in NYC for the first time with Ana...(late night chats, scented candles, Brooklyn streets, and of course, lots of Barbadian love.)
So many great Christmases, though none too conventional. I was super excited to finally be home for Christmas this year, but it has been somewhat distracted to say the least. Distracted by the city, by work, by grad school, by family, by my preoccupations with the present and future. I might have forgotten to stop 'figuring out life' and take time to embrace Christmas this year. I guess doing something special for Christmas has always made it special, but this Christmas has been pretty anti-climatic, especially since I haven't taken a sabbath from daily work and worries.
That's what really makes Christmas so special...the intentionality of it all. It is the act of carving out special blocks of time for family and reflection; the decision to stop and smell the flowers--and thank God for them! So I guess there was nothing to make me stop and take a breather this year, though I wish there were and I wish I had.
I wish I had dug deeper into God, that I had basked in his presence a little longer, spread his love a little further. But who says Christmas ends after December 25th? I think I am going to grow and extend the holiday spirit a little longer, especially now that the crazy crowds in downtown SF begin retreating. Hopefully it will be Christmas all life long..as I need at least that to prepare for and celebrate Jesus.
I love the holiday season...the break from school, the opportunity to go home and see family and friends, the feelings of joy and gratitude..etc. But the closest thing I've come to a Macaulay Culkin kind of Christmas was actually during my year in Mexico when we had huge, ginormous family gatherings, tons of gifts and surprises, holiday decor, chilly weather, and a season filled with excitement and reflective gratitude. It was a special year in countless ways, and most definitely a special Christmas.
This Christmas has come and gone in a flash--the speediest and perhaps most disappointing flash I've experienced in may years. Why is that?
When I was growing up, we didn't really celebrate Christmas. Nevertheless, some years we would manage to put up a fake tree and always had at least one or two gifts from family friends or the building management. Those were exciting times because our traditional Chinese parents NEVER EVER thought to buy superfluous toys--and it was beyond impractical to wrap them. So you can imagine just how special Christmas was when uncovered that Barbie doll or spinning fairy.
As I grew up, become a Christian, and got increasingly socialized into American culture, I think I've developed quite sophisticated expectations of what Christmas should be. Not only that, but as a Christian, Christmas actually has significant meaning for me now. I used to be pretty involved in the Church during this season--wrapping gifts, decorating, caroling, kettling, and singing in the infamous Christmas musicals! But not so much this year. One, I'm old. Two, I'm not really plugged-in anywhere yet.
So this year, I don't have a climatic "winter recess" to look forward to. No break from work or life. In fact, I have a timeline for writing a bunch of grad school essays this week. I've spent the past 3 Christmases either with friends on the east coast or abroad--so in one way or another they've been pretty unique. I remember Christmas day in Sichuan...(going to a gorgeous church, dim sum, markets, feast and fellowship at our hostel.) I remember a white Christmas with Emily in Carlisle...(mashed potatoes, igloos, settlers, cookies,and Pictionary!) I remember an unusually warm and snow-less Christmas in NYC for the first time with Ana...(late night chats, scented candles, Brooklyn streets, and of course, lots of Barbadian love.)
So many great Christmases, though none too conventional. I was super excited to finally be home for Christmas this year, but it has been somewhat distracted to say the least. Distracted by the city, by work, by grad school, by family, by my preoccupations with the present and future. I might have forgotten to stop 'figuring out life' and take time to embrace Christmas this year. I guess doing something special for Christmas has always made it special, but this Christmas has been pretty anti-climatic, especially since I haven't taken a sabbath from daily work and worries.
That's what really makes Christmas so special...the intentionality of it all. It is the act of carving out special blocks of time for family and reflection; the decision to stop and smell the flowers--and thank God for them! So I guess there was nothing to make me stop and take a breather this year, though I wish there were and I wish I had.
I wish I had dug deeper into God, that I had basked in his presence a little longer, spread his love a little further. But who says Christmas ends after December 25th? I think I am going to grow and extend the holiday spirit a little longer, especially now that the crazy crowds in downtown SF begin retreating. Hopefully it will be Christmas all life long..as I need at least that to prepare for and celebrate Jesus.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
thankful
Highlight of the day: a phone conversation with Ana.
I am so thankful for friends who keep me grounded; friends whom I can cry with, whom I can share anything and everything with.
Thank you Father for a warm home this holiday season, for friends both new and old, for laughter and joy, and the ability to appreciate your gift of life.
Thank you for hope and a heart of compassion. Help me to love as you love.
I am so thankful for friends who keep me grounded; friends whom I can cry with, whom I can share anything and everything with.
Thank you Father for a warm home this holiday season, for friends both new and old, for laughter and joy, and the ability to appreciate your gift of life.
Thank you for hope and a heart of compassion. Help me to love as you love.
So much for trying to post daily...
Well, here's attempt #2.
12/5/09 Saturday:
1.) Salsa dancing--love it. Spanish music is so much fun to listen and dance to. Also reminiscent of the good ol' days in Mexico and Panama.
2.) Dinner at "Annie's Bistro"--Mushroom soup (though we had ordered Butternut Squash but they ran out!), roasted beet salad with Feta cheese and other scrumptious delights, and Ravioli with creamy pesto and cheese.
3.) Catch Phrase and Apples to Apples with a small group of amazing people. Much laughter, learning, and sharing. I loved connecting with my two teammates from Catch Phrase..as well as learning (or being frustrated by) all those random, esoteric, or archaic sayings.
The plan for today:
1.) Practice practice practice! I was invited to perform at an advisory board Christmas party on Tuesday. Still undecided as to exactly what I want to play. hmph. And this full-time job has done much harm to my usual practice schedule.
2.) Grad school apps! (Stanford STEP program!) Only 1 month left to apply. It's a love-hate relationship.
3.) Read? Just bought a book from the Salvation Army thrift store a week ago and its still in the bag--though I am uber excited about it! It's "The Book of Virtues, A Treasury of Great Moral Stories" edited, with commentary, by William J. Bennett who happens to be A WILLIAMS COLLEGE ALUM! He majored in philosophy (probably in the 60's) and has accomplished many incredible things since.
I also have a stack of books from the library that I need to tackle.
Weather: Chilly! It's beginning to feel like Christmas.
Well, here's attempt #2.
12/5/09 Saturday:
1.) Salsa dancing--love it. Spanish music is so much fun to listen and dance to. Also reminiscent of the good ol' days in Mexico and Panama.
2.) Dinner at "Annie's Bistro"--Mushroom soup (though we had ordered Butternut Squash but they ran out!), roasted beet salad with Feta cheese and other scrumptious delights, and Ravioli with creamy pesto and cheese.
3.) Catch Phrase and Apples to Apples with a small group of amazing people. Much laughter, learning, and sharing. I loved connecting with my two teammates from Catch Phrase..as well as learning (or being frustrated by) all those random, esoteric, or archaic sayings.
The plan for today:
1.) Practice practice practice! I was invited to perform at an advisory board Christmas party on Tuesday. Still undecided as to exactly what I want to play. hmph. And this full-time job has done much harm to my usual practice schedule.
2.) Grad school apps! (Stanford STEP program!) Only 1 month left to apply. It's a love-hate relationship.
3.) Read? Just bought a book from the Salvation Army thrift store a week ago and its still in the bag--though I am uber excited about it! It's "The Book of Virtues, A Treasury of Great Moral Stories" edited, with commentary, by William J. Bennett who happens to be A WILLIAMS COLLEGE ALUM! He majored in philosophy (probably in the 60's) and has accomplished many incredible things since.
I also have a stack of books from the library that I need to tackle.
Weather: Chilly! It's beginning to feel like Christmas.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
A Christmas Carol
I think I'm going to attempt to post something everyday, even if its just a sentence.
Today, I bumped into my high school buddy Bob while walking home from work and we decided to go watch "a sparkling, music-infused A Christmas Carol." Not the Jim Carey movie, but a live production at the A.C.T. Theater.
The show was abundantly rich. And the inspiration, laughter, and company was exactly what I needed tonight.
Thank you God for such spontaneously perfect blessings.
Today, I bumped into my high school buddy Bob while walking home from work and we decided to go watch "a sparkling, music-infused A Christmas Carol." Not the Jim Carey movie, but a live production at the A.C.T. Theater.
The show was abundantly rich. And the inspiration, laughter, and company was exactly what I needed tonight.
Thank you God for such spontaneously perfect blessings.
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