unfulfilled expectations?

I'll be careful not to harbor such high ones next year.

I love the holiday season...the break from school, the opportunity to go home and see family and friends, the feelings of joy and gratitude..etc. But the closest thing I've come to a Macaulay Culkin kind of Christmas was actually during my year in Mexico when we had huge, ginormous family gatherings, tons of gifts and surprises, holiday decor, chilly weather, and a season filled with excitement and reflective gratitude. It was a special year in countless ways, and most definitely a special Christmas.

This Christmas has come and gone in a flash--the speediest and perhaps most disappointing flash I've experienced in may years. Why is that?

When I was growing up, we didn't really celebrate Christmas. Nevertheless, some years we would manage to put up a fake tree and always had at least one or two gifts from family friends or the building management. Those were exciting times because our traditional Chinese parents NEVER EVER thought to buy superfluous toys--and it was beyond impractical to wrap them. So you can imagine just how special Christmas was when uncovered that Barbie doll or spinning fairy.

As I grew up, become a Christian, and got increasingly socialized into American culture, I think I've developed quite sophisticated expectations of what Christmas should be. Not only that, but as a Christian, Christmas actually has significant meaning for me now. I used to be pretty involved in the Church during this season--wrapping gifts, decorating, caroling, kettling, and singing in the infamous Christmas musicals! But not so much this year. One, I'm old. Two, I'm not really plugged-in anywhere yet.

So this year, I don't have a climatic "winter recess" to look forward to. No break from work or life. In fact, I have a timeline for writing a bunch of grad school essays this week. I've spent the past 3 Christmases either with friends on the east coast or abroad--so in one way or another they've been pretty unique. I remember Christmas day in Sichuan...(going to a gorgeous church, dim sum, markets, feast and fellowship at our hostel.) I remember a white Christmas with Emily in Carlisle...(mashed potatoes, igloos, settlers, cookies,and Pictionary!) I remember an unusually warm and snow-less Christmas in NYC for the first time with Ana...(late night chats, scented candles, Brooklyn streets, and of course, lots of Barbadian love.)

So many great Christmases, though none too conventional. I was super excited to finally be home for Christmas this year, but it has been somewhat distracted to say the least. Distracted by the city, by work, by grad school, by family, by my preoccupations with the present and future. I might have forgotten to stop 'figuring out life' and take time to embrace Christmas this year. I guess doing something special for Christmas has always made it special, but this Christmas has been pretty anti-climatic, especially since I haven't taken a sabbath from daily work and worries.

That's what really makes Christmas so special...the intentionality of it all. It is the act of carving out special blocks of time for family and reflection; the decision to stop and smell the flowers--and thank God for them! So I guess there was nothing to make me stop and take a breather this year, though I wish there were and I wish I had.

I wish I had dug deeper into God, that I had basked in his presence a little longer, spread his love a little further. But who says Christmas ends after December 25th? I think I am going to grow and extend the holiday spirit a little longer, especially now that the crazy crowds in downtown SF begin retreating. Hopefully it will be Christmas all life long..as I need at least that to prepare for and celebrate Jesus.